Tannic Panic! Issue #104: Seasonal Wine Abuse

It's 95 degrees and your bottle of Pinot is sweating harder than you. Time to shake things up with a new (delicious) summer “tradition.”

WARNING: We interrupt your regularly scheduled programming to clutter your inbox with yet another off-kilter dispatch from Tannic Panic’s resident wine idiot.

Don’t worry—Isaac and Zach will be back next week with the budget-friendly wine wisdom you actually signed up for. If this detour feels beneath you, feel free to close the tab and pretend this never happened.

For the rest of you masochists, here I (Victoria) am again—this time to deliver “salvation” in the form of wine-based summer cocktails.

Today, we’re diving into the long, often boozy history of wine cocktails, and we’ve got a special guest joining us: Ariel (Zach & Isaac’s sister), certified beer snob and “recreational” mixologist. Together, we've re-envisioned three classic categories of summer wine cocktails, all with a refreshing twist and a bit of “history” sprinkled in.

Wine cocktails aren’t just a fleeting trend on your Pinterest feed. They go way back—thousands of years in fact (“citation” needed). From ancient Rome to 1970s Spain, people have been diluting, enhancing, and sometimes downright ruining wine to make it more “refreshing,” cover up less-than-perfect bottles, or just to make drinking it feel a little more fun.

What are we waiting for? The lightly researched facts are getting cold!

CHAMPAGNE COCKTAILS

There’s something about bubbles that makes you feel like you should be wearing elbow-length gloves, even if you’re in a sundress (or fresh pair of jorts) that’s clinging to your lower back like it owes you money. Champagne—and her fizzy frenemies Prosecco, Cava, Crémant, and pét-nat—walks that fine line between bougie and bingeable.

Traditionally reserved for christenings, weddings, and popping off on New Year’s Eve, sparkling wine doesn’t have to be a "special occasion" thing. Frankly, Wednesday is a “special occasion” if you drink fast enough to forget what day it is (disclaimer: do not do this).

The Champagne Cocktail—made with a sugar cube, a few dashes of bitters, and sparkling wine—has been around since the 1850s and stands as one of the earliest sparkling wine cocktails. The French 75, made with Champagne, gin, and lemon, is another classic—though it comes with the very real risk of texting your ex’s parents to schedule a lunch date. And the Bellini? We don’t talk about Bellinis.

The Riff: Summer Kir Royale

Ah, the Kir Royale. A classic for a reason—just a splash of blackcurrant liqueur in your bubbly and voilà, instant elegance. But WHY STOP THERE? Instead of the traditional crème de cassis, we “went rogue” with Cointreau—a zesty orange liqueur that brightens things up and adds a touch of citrusy class. It’s still the bubbly you know and love, but with a little more AWOOGA.

RED WINE COCKTAILS

You know that dusty bottle of 19 Crimes “someone” was generous enough to bring to your last party? The one that tastes like it hates you? Well, as Voltaire famously said, “Il faut cultiver notre jardin,” which loosely translates to “transform your suffering into something palatable—preferably over ice.” (DO quote me on that.)

Red wine’s brand has conventionally meant “cozy nights and crockpot meals” – but no longer. We're dragging it under the fluorescent lights, strapping on some safety goggles, and subjecting it to a heatwave stress test. Welcome to the Red Wine Cocktail Lab™, where we toss tradition in the beaker, hit it with ice, carbonation, and questionable decisions. Is it science? Is it art? Is it a coping mechanism? YES.

Because when it’s 95 degrees and your thighs are sticking to a lawn chair, you don’t want a brooding room-temp Merlot. You want something cold, a little wild, and deeply unserious—like a sangria that’s 50% fruit and 50% vibes, or a Kalimotxo with enough fizz to help you forget to question your past life choices.

Speaking of…

The Riff: Kalimotxo with a Twist

Ye olde Kalimotxo: The Spanish cocktail born of desperation and genius—when a bottle of red started to turn, someone added Coca-Cola, and suddenly it was a vibe. The innovation did not stop there (and why should it?), as several iterations of wine and soda continued to emerge and thrive.

The “Pitlingorri” or “Joxemari” depending what region of Spain you’re imbibing it in, quite evocatively means “a bit red” in basque. In this iteration, the red wine is mixed with lemon or orange soda for a citrusy kick in the teeth you won’t want to dodge. The soda of choice in Spain is “Kas” (an independent soda company from the North before it was acquired by Pepsico) but Fanta or Crush should do just fine, or a bold fruity alternative like Orangina if you're feeling fancy.

If you are still thinking, “eww that is waaay too much sugar!”, don’t worry, you’re wrong–but you don’t have to leave the party yet, because in the South of Spain, “Tinto de Verano,” is a lighter fare made with plain ol’ sparkling soda water and wine, and frankly, sounds like just a great way to stay hydrated and responsible.

Naturally, we couldn’t leave well enough alone. In the name of summer science, we conducted two highly controlled (read: vaguely chaotic) experiments: one with artisanal cola (i.e. one with cane sugar instead of corn syrup), the other with root beer. The cola version stayed true to its OG roots—smooth, nostalgic, and dangerously drinkable. But the root beer? That was the wildcard (we’re really living on the edge). It added a little herbaceous je ne sais quoi that really tied the room together.

The takeaway: fizzy + red wine + cold = an experiment worth replicating. Repeatedly.

WHITE WINE COCKTAILS

White wine? For summer? Groundbreaking.

Okay, yeah, white wine for summer is obvious and, you know… already works. That’s why we mixed it up (PUN INTENDED) with a less traditional white wine as our mixer.

The Riff: White Port & Tonic

Think gin and tonic, but, you know, with white port. White port is an often overlooked fortified wine, but it’s been revived in recent years, especially in Portugal, where it’s been given a modern spin. We’ve taken it and paired it with tonic water for a super crisp, lightly bitter concoction that’s perfect for any outdoor drinking endeavor. It’s fresh, it’s bold, it’ll make your little chardonnay in the sun feel like a distant memory. Trust us, this is the drink your white wine “wishes” it could be.

CONCLUSION

Wine cocktails are not new. They are ancient. They are practical. They have birthed legends and brought down empires* (*CHECK SOURCES). Whether you’re cooling down from climate change’s sweet baby rays, avoiding liquor store markups, or rebranding the dregs of last night’s bottle, you are participating in a noble tradition of slightly altering wine and calling it genius.

Why? Because you are one, babe. 😘

See you on the “patio.”

– Victoria, Ariel & the Tannic Panic! Department of Happy Accidents